God grant me the serenity

Laying in bed one night...close to seven months pregnant, I had a sudden sharp pain in my back. I tried changing positions to see if this would help, but nothing did. I knew immediately that something was very wrong, but I tried to not get myself too worked up. After about 10 minutes the pain subsided and everything seemed fine...kinda. I know this is crazy, but I kept going to the bathroom, thinking that if the babies were in danger, I would bleed or something. No signs really. I do remember thinking that the babies seemed to get quiet with the pain, so I tried to eat something hoping to jump start their blood sugar levels and get movement. I waited not so patiently, and a few kicks came, mostly in my lower abdomen.  I got up and went to my wall, where I hung up a prayer that my priest, Father Paul Finley, had given me, and I read it over and over again:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

I slept restlessly, anxious for morning to come. Oddly, this was the day where my weekly ultrasounds would start--so I knew I'd have an answer soon enough. Jim could not make this appointment with me, so I called a good friend, Patti to go with me. The drive there was long and I was so scared. I kept talking to my stomach, telling my babies to hold on; I felt an occasional flutter, but not the usual kickboxing match that had become routine. I  was mad at myself for saying the serenity prayer...because maybe I had given God permission to do something horrible! My struggles with God began. "Why would he give me these precious babies, then take them?"  I was angry....very angry. God could make everything okay...right?

My doctor tried to calm  me down, nothing worked. She sent me over to Loma Linda University for an ultrasound. Once in the room, I felt like I was going to throw up all over everyone and everything. The technician started the procedure, and I could see baby B, heart beat and all. Ok, let's go to baby A....the technician turned the screen from my view, and kept referring to baby B. "Oh baby B is just fine, growing like he should, amniotic fluid looks good, um, hang on a minute I'll be right back". Soon  the radiologist and a group of learning students came to observe baby A. "What wrong with my baby?", I asked over and over again, as student after student took a turn comparing my babies. I was pissed at them, just tell me what's going on! I asked them to please tell me, but the radiologist said that I would have to wait until my doctor received the results. I felt like a freak show, but I knew the truth--I had learned to read ultrasounds. Baby A's amniotic  sac was decompressed and she was still. Baby B was slower than normal, did he know? Was something hurting both my babies?  I had to wait at least another hour or so to find out. I was mad at these people and I was mad at God.

 Patti and I made the trip across the street to my doctors office, we were both quiet. We both knew the news wasn't going to be good. Pity set in, and I remember feeling that I couldn't do anything right......not even take care of my babies....don't pray because you've already been forgotten. No sweet baby pictures this time.

Forgive me.....
I am an Orthodox christian, which for those of you who aren't familiar with the faith, is similar in some ways to Catholicism. I think I did just commit a sin by comparing the two....forgive me. We, as Orthodox Christians, are always aware of our sinfulness, and when writing letters we should most often close by saying....Forgive me instead of sincerely. Why? We like to cover all bases, in case we are ignorant(quite often), hurtful(probably), boring(sometimes),and selfish(always). So why not start a letter, story or blog the same way.....it seems fitting to me. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life and I will continue to make many, many more. But, as I tell my kids, that if you learn from your mistakes, then they are lessons to remember and to grow from.

I made so many mistakes in my pregnancy with the twins. I felt so good, after the initial onslaught of  morning sickness, which I had morning, noon and night! I did however manage to eat  everything in my eyesight and grow very, very large. I was eating for three you know. Jim was always so accommodating with my cravings, and we really did order domino's pizza at midnight, because, you know, the babies wanted that!

I had two other active children on the outside as well. Sean and Jo, kept me busy and I was proud that I could still be a good mother and keep up with them. I was exhausted by nighttime and slept well, at least until I became too large to do anything in a normal way.

We even managed to travel with the kids to Palm Springs that summer and stay at our favorite place that had the water-slides the boys loved. I sure was a sight to behold in a maternity suit. In those days( a phrase I swore I'd never use), a pregnant woman covered her robust belly, unlike today where a mother-to be can display her wares in a too tiny bikini!We had such a fun time, and I realized with my growing stomach--this would probably one of our last family of four excursions. What the heck...I even went down the water-slide myself!

I had another ultrasound that month, which was month five and found out that baby A was a girl and baby B was a boy!Jim and I were so excited! We began to think of names because we couldn't go through the next couple months calling our babies A and B!

At this point in my other pregnancies, I had the nursery almost done, but for some strange reason I had done nothing; I really should have been more prepared. Sometimes we know more about our future than we can understand at the time...if that makes sense.Mothers have these all telling gut wrenching instincts that are hard to ignore......but I was trying.

First the news.....

I guess what got me to write this blog, was that I thought I had forgiven those that had hurt me in the past, but every year around this time, Lukas's birthday(my middle child); the hurt and anger resurface. The resentment lingers. I associate Lukas's birthday with mostly joy, especially because he is such a kind and caring young man that has brightened my life for almost 18 years! There is also some bittersweet emotions, that will probably never die.

When I found out I was pregnant with Lukas, it confirmed what I already knew in my heart. I went to have the standard blood test at the doctors office, because two home pregnancy tests had failed to show that pretty pink plus line. I already had two beautiful boys, Sean and Jordan, so I knew the familiar symptoms, however they just seemed so exaggerated. So...the doctor said "yes you are pregnant, but your hormone levels are awfully high for only being 5 or 6 weeks, are you sure of your cycle dates?" Of course I was sure, but I went home happy to share the news.....

The following month, my mom and I went to have a scheduled ultrasound, it was ironic that this day was April 1--April fools! As the technician rolled that cold jelly across my stomach and an image popped up on screen, he asked me if I had a history of twins in my family, I answered no, even though I had twins on both of my parents families. I assumed it was just a standard questions until he replied, " well, um, you do now!" What?? My mom and I both laughed, and then we saw 2 beautiful heart beats on the screen! Wow... this would be fun news sharing with Jim on April fools day! I called him on the drive home, with picture in hand as proof, and funny but he didn't believe me! Really.....I would never pull that kind of stunt on my hard working husband who already had two very active little boys. This was going to be fun..................

A new beginning...

I'm starting this story again, because something or someone keeps nudging me, gently. My name is Shanna, a  happily married mother of 5 and I've written about my experience with motherhood and forgiveness before--but never published my thoughts . I had planned to, and had been writing my thoughts and feelings daily on my laptop, but unfortunately and stupidly (is that is word..note to self, check thesaurus), I neglected to back up my words,and my laptop was stolen! In a moment of negativity, I figured that I wasn't meant to write my thoughts; or they weren't meant to be read. Anyway, listening to the nudge, I sit down once again to write my story.